A Chronicle of my Changing Times.

Looking back

Ya’ll should check out my post from 20 April last year.  Just go to the link for April 2004 on the left - it'll be the first post you see.  It may not be my most well written post (I am resisting the urge to go and retype it) but it really says a lot of good things.  I honestly want to go get buy that movie before I got to Bulgaria.  By and by, only 83 days left until wheels up on my new life.
 

Posted by: mjmarble at January 29, 2005 16:41 | link | comments

 Uncertainty & Excitement

I’ve been meaning to write up a post for a few days, but I haven’t known how to really bring it up or talk about it without sounding down or negative.  But then I had James send me an article yesterday that made me rethink my approach to everything.

Here’s the rub.  I have thought a bit lately about the type of changes I’m setting myself up for, the uncertainty of it all.  At this point in my life, I have worked very hard to get myself set up for the future.  My debt is gone or at least it will be when I get paid next month.  I’ve cut ties with most of what hold me here.  Classes have been successfully completed.  Much about my life and myself has changed over the last 2 yrs.

Yet taking that final leap is frightening.  I’m doing something that not many people do, especially in their late 20’s when they should be thinking of settling down.  I’m going to a foreign country, learn a foreign tongue, and not make any money.  When I’m done I can only hope to get into a good graduate school so I can accumulate more debt in loans so that I might get a job 5 yrs from now in an field I’ve never worked.  And this field, depending on what I concentrate on, may or may not pay all that well.

Of course I’m not in anything for the money but I’ve always felt it’d be nice not to have to worry about these things.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been so obsessed with my debt for the last couple years that it’s tough to switch gears.  Traditionally, I’ve always been more concerned with people and relationships.  Heck, that’s part of the reason I’ve traveled to see friends as my ‘vacations’ in the past.  It’s one of the main reasons I’m going to NYC here in 10 days.

But to talk about taking a big fat leap into the uncertainty of a new country, new job, new language, new friends/associates is daunting.  And it’s being done with no real safety net.  If I should fail or things don’t eventually turn out the way I hope what do I have to fall back on?  I’m debt free, but savings free, unemployed, without a car and no real belongings to my name.  This is a huge leap one I’d be a fool not to seriously consider.

The realities of this have just begun to set in over the last few weeks.  I’m sure the closer I get to leaving, the more tangible they will become, and consequentially the more my apprehension will increase as well.

In the face of this personal unease came a bit of a beacon of light yesterday.  As I mentioned, James sent me an article from Slate.com (as he continues to slide leftwards toward that mythic ivory tower of academia he longs for) about a report put out by the National Intelligence Council entitled ‘Mapping the Global Future’ examining global trends and future possibilities.

Now the reason this particular CIA report is interesting is that raises the possibility of the end of US hegemony in the world, or at least making the world multi-polar once again.  Upon printing out the 119 page report I immediately realized how much of a geek I am.  But I also was reminded that this stuff is what winds my clock.

This is the type of thing I’d love to work on someday: to organize the differing arguments; pull together a wide variety of academic, private and government people and resources; attend conferences all around the world; & pull it together in a readable fashion whilst keeping a mind to the larger picture of the world.  That idea fascinates me.  Even if it was just to intern on such a project whilst in graduate school, it would be wonderful.

I need to keep that in mind - the excitement and interest – since that’s why I’m taking this risk and uprooting my life.  God willing, it will all pan out for the best.

Posted by: mjmarble at January 28, 2005 23:09 | link | comments (4)

Sickening Nonproductiveness

So that mythic cold/bug that I wrote about last week?  Well, let’s just say it finally caught up to me.  I just about completely lost my voice last night into today.  It’s come back enough now that I’ll be a work tomorrow – but the darn bug (which began in my nose) has traveled from my throat into my lungs.  Basically I constantly have the urge to cough.  And rarely is it a dry cough when I give in to that annoying urge.  Meh.  Being sick sucks.

So I thought I’d be productive today.  I thought about how much I hadn’t got done over the last few and decided that I needed to get the stuff done for PC.  It’s rather simple – a passport form, visa form, and an aspiration statement that I’ve been told won’t matter.  So what did I spend my day doing?  I slept, chatted with friends online, did some laundry and watched more HBO than can be good for any one person.  At least I some laundry done.

And tomorrow I head back into work.  The question now is should I go read some Crime & Punishment before bed or play a game of Risk?  I’ll probably do both and end up exhausted tomorrow.  I’m kinda dumb like that.  Tomorrow night after Bible study and TAR I’ll work on the PC stuff.  Or maybe not…
 

Posted by: mjmarble at January 25, 2005 00:16 | link | comments

No Problem

Have you ever noticed yourself saying something and you just can’t stop?  I’ve long had this problem with saying ‘No Problem’ instead of ‘You’re Welcome’ when someone says thank you.  I mean, think about the basic structure of what goes on.  Someone thanks you for doing XYZ and the response is that XYZ was no problem.  What if XYZ was a hassle?  Or what if XYZ required you to go out of your way?  Even if the task was easy, why be so flippant about it?

I’m certain there are instances where saying ‘no problem’ is appropriate – but on the whole I can’t imagine that it is.  Does indicating something wasn’t a problem increase or decrease the value of what was done?  Does it answer the compliment appropriately?  I honestly have thought way too much about this and come to the conclusion that it just doesn’t make muster.

But I just can’t stop saying it.  I work in a service industry and literally spend my days talking with people.  I must hear thank you over 100 times a day.  Most of the time I rattle off a ‘no problem’ before I can catch myself.  I often regret it as soon as I say it.  It is such a knee jerk response for me that I just can’t refrain.  I’m no better than a Pavlovian Dog – just ring the Thank You bell and I’m off. 

Of course, this can raise an even large question of civility in society and if people, especially myself, thank others for what is done.  Or do we simply do it out of politeness and habit.  Honestly I don’t know the answer to that.  And I’ve spent way too much space on such a trivial issue.  It just bugs the ever-living shit out of me.

One thing that happened yesterday which I was truly thankful for – I contacted the PC travel office with questions on my passport.  Not only was the woman who answered the phone cheerful and polite, but she was exceptionally helpful as well.  Do I need a different passport form since I already have one?  Yes, and here’s exactly where you can go to download it.  What about my photo’s – should I staple and what size should they be?  If you haven’t cut them already (I haven’t) just paperclip them and we’ll cut and adjust them for you.  Just write your name on the back.

I tell you, they were beyond helpful.  It definitely wasn’t what I expected from a government agency, especially since I know these questions must be asked of them 20 times a day.  I know that I said thank you at the end of the call with the greatest sincerity.

And she said, “You’re welcome.”

Posted by: mjmarble at January 22, 2005 23:20 | link | comments (1)

 Time on my hands

I haven’t been feeling very well this week.  I’m pretty sure I’m coming down with whatever cold-bug that’s going around this winter.  The annoying part of it is that I can’t just seem to get it or not get it.  My voice is raspy like I’m getting sick, my head feels thick like I might have the beginnings of a fever and I’m rather tired/grouchy.  But I definitely don’t feel so bad that I have to go lay down or anything.  Just in those middling stages…

This had led me to try and take it easy this week.  In other words, I’ve been a slug and sat in front of my TV or have been in bed reading a book most evenings.  It’s almost a reversal of the way I’ve felt these past few weeks where time has seemed like a precious commodity to me.

Right now it’s more important for me to make sure and take my Tylenol and rest.  Yeah, there’s a lot to do – but it can wait until I no longer feel the need for daily doses of Orange Juice and Chicken Noodle Soup.  Speaking of which, I could use some soup right now.

Posted by: mjmarble at January 20, 2005 23:46 | link | comments (1)