A Chronicle of my Changing Times.

 Uncertainty & Excitement

I’ve been meaning to write up a post for a few days, but I haven’t known how to really bring it up or talk about it without sounding down or negative.  But then I had James send me an article yesterday that made me rethink my approach to everything.

Here’s the rub.  I have thought a bit lately about the type of changes I’m setting myself up for, the uncertainty of it all.  At this point in my life, I have worked very hard to get myself set up for the future.  My debt is gone or at least it will be when I get paid next month.  I’ve cut ties with most of what hold me here.  Classes have been successfully completed.  Much about my life and myself has changed over the last 2 yrs.

Yet taking that final leap is frightening.  I’m doing something that not many people do, especially in their late 20’s when they should be thinking of settling down.  I’m going to a foreign country, learn a foreign tongue, and not make any money.  When I’m done I can only hope to get into a good graduate school so I can accumulate more debt in loans so that I might get a job 5 yrs from now in an field I’ve never worked.  And this field, depending on what I concentrate on, may or may not pay all that well.

Of course I’m not in anything for the money but I’ve always felt it’d be nice not to have to worry about these things.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been so obsessed with my debt for the last couple years that it’s tough to switch gears.  Traditionally, I’ve always been more concerned with people and relationships.  Heck, that’s part of the reason I’ve traveled to see friends as my ‘vacations’ in the past.  It’s one of the main reasons I’m going to NYC here in 10 days.

But to talk about taking a big fat leap into the uncertainty of a new country, new job, new language, new friends/associates is daunting.  And it’s being done with no real safety net.  If I should fail or things don’t eventually turn out the way I hope what do I have to fall back on?  I’m debt free, but savings free, unemployed, without a car and no real belongings to my name.  This is a huge leap one I’d be a fool not to seriously consider.

The realities of this have just begun to set in over the last few weeks.  I’m sure the closer I get to leaving, the more tangible they will become, and consequentially the more my apprehension will increase as well.

In the face of this personal unease came a bit of a beacon of light yesterday.  As I mentioned, James sent me an article from Slate.com (as he continues to slide leftwards toward that mythic ivory tower of academia he longs for) about a report put out by the National Intelligence Council entitled ‘Mapping the Global Future’ examining global trends and future possibilities.

Now the reason this particular CIA report is interesting is that raises the possibility of the end of US hegemony in the world, or at least making the world multi-polar once again.  Upon printing out the 119 page report I immediately realized how much of a geek I am.  But I also was reminded that this stuff is what winds my clock.

This is the type of thing I’d love to work on someday: to organize the differing arguments; pull together a wide variety of academic, private and government people and resources; attend conferences all around the world; & pull it together in a readable fashion whilst keeping a mind to the larger picture of the world.  That idea fascinates me.  Even if it was just to intern on such a project whilst in graduate school, it would be wonderful.

I need to keep that in mind - the excitement and interest – since that’s why I’m taking this risk and uprooting my life.  God willing, it will all pan out for the best.

Posted by: mjmarble at January 28, 2005 22:09 | link | comments (4)

Comments:

#1  29 January 2005 - 00:51

 

Excellent points to consider and you should give yourself extra points for looking at them straight on.

However, if you are interested in international relations, politics, diplomacy and history, as it seems that you are, this move seems like it could be a rich one in terms of experience. You should do everything you can to think of it in those terms, and to make sure you get the most out of it. You may be able to meet people in academia or in the diplomatic world that can help guide and mentor you while you're over there.

There are plenty of good career paths in international relations, so don't sweat it. Just be directed and keep your antennae up!

howard

#2  29 January 2005 - 15:33

 

Yeah, as I say in my little intro - "It's a record of the daily trials, tribulations, successes and distractions of my journey." I'm sure there will be plenty of them all.

An interesting footnote on your point of keeping up one's antennae up, Howard. I randomly started up a conversation with my next door neighbor (I hate I don't ever remember her name) and a neighbor who lives down the street - but whom I've never met. It turns out the neighbor from down the street has her MA in some sort of Int'l Development studies. Now she's a housemom now, but she was very interested in what I was doing as well as wanting to offer advice.

I guess that just goes to show you never know where you'll run into an interesting person. It could even happen when one goes to get the mail.

mjmarble

#3  29 January 2005 - 16:08

 

I'm with Howard. Your apprehensions should be surpassed by your excitement. To paraphrase Thoreau, many of us live lives of quiet, secure apprehension.

zithereen

#4  29 January 2005 - 23:14

 

That's funny, I'm reading Thoreau right now. Albiet very slowly. I came across that original quote just the other day (it's at the beginning of Walden).

mjmarble

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