A Chronicle of my Changing Times.

Birthday Musings...

In a few hours I will be officially 31 years old.  My mother likes to point out I actually don't change my age until 3pm EST when I was born.  I'm not so sure on that, but it's always been her thing.

This Birthday finds me a bit contemplative.  I'm sitting in a foreign city wandering about playing tourist and I just can't seem to enjoy myself as much as I probably should be.  There's just this cloud that seems to be hanging over me, and it's not just the drab rain clouds that have dampened the city throughout the day.

I've placed a lot of faith in myself with this plan of mine I came up with a few years ago.  I uprooted my life and kinda went for broke.  In the next few weeks the last of my preparations for the 'end game' of graduate school will be completed.  GRE will have (hopefully) successfully been taken, personal essay written, recommendations tracked down and applications in the mail.  But the nagging question floats unspoken in the air around me - what happens if I fail at some point or what if all I've done hasn't been enough.

And then there's the personal side of things.  I'm not a spring chicken anymore, as the saying goes.   Although I'm currently happier than I've been in a long time, I've spent the last few years of my life without the one thing I want more than anything in this world - someone with whom to share it all.  I want a big family, a house, and all the fun things that make life worth living.  Up through this very moment, I haven't had it. Theoretically, a lot what I'm doing in PC and with this career change is to set myself up and to make me happy in other part of my life. But no matter how I spin it, today has marked another year of my life single and without any prospects on the horizon.

I might be overly retrospective, but this is my reality as I sit here in my hostel in Istanbul listening to the call to prayer and wondering if the path I've undertaken will lead to where I hope or if everything I've worked towards and wanted has all been but a dream.

Posted by: mjmarble at October 22, 2006 17:56 | link | comments (2)
plan, contemplation, future

Comments:

#1  10 November 2006 - 09:48

 

Hi, Michael!

I just came across your site, quite accidentally, but I can't help mentioning how suprised I am to find that an American is actually coping with reality in Haskovo better than a native Bulgarian...I don't know, I can't adapt to things here, and I feel totally dislocated, my life pinned to life here as a purple patch. I'm just wondering how you're managing...

Anyway, greetings, and all the best!

iliyana

Anonymous

#2  09 December 2006 - 21:18

 

my mom is the same way when it comes to birthdays.

this is my first time on your page and enjoyed reading it.

i will browse some more.

Faaraa

faaraa

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